Grief is personal, but it can be tricky when it affects both partners in a relationship at the same time. As a mental health professional in the US, I’ve seen how shared grief can bring couples together and tear them apart. This article will examine the complexities of grieving as a couple and how to keep your relationship strong through tough times.

What is Shared Grief?

Shared grief is when both partners experience a big loss at the same time. This could be the death of a child, a mutual friend, or a family member. It could be a collective trauma like a natural disaster or pandemic. Whatever the reason, shared grief creates a messy emotional landscape for couples to wade through.

How Does Shared Grief Affect Us?

Experiencing grief together can have both positive and negative impacts on a relationship:

1. Shared grief creates a special bond as you both get each other’s pain. You can find comfort in shared memories and understanding of what you’ve lost.
2. You might retreat into your own grief and become disconnected from each other during intense emotions.
3. Two grieving people can feel like a double whammy, making everyday things feel overwhelming.
4. Partners can be a great source of support for each other and increase empathy in the relationship.
5. Different grieving styles can lead to miscommunication. One partner may need to talk about the loss all the time and the other may need to process it in silence.
6. You need to communicate openly and accept each other’s grieving styles.

How Does Grief Affect Relationships?

Shared grief can change the dynamic of a relationship in many ways:

Communication Issues

Grief affects our ability to communicate. When both of you are grieving, this is magnified. You may find it hard to express your needs or understand your partner’s emotional state. Some couples feel like they are “walking on eggshells” afraid to upset their partner or trigger painful emotions.

For example, a couple grieving the loss of a parent might struggle to talk about funeral arrangements or dividing up belongings fearing those conversations will cause more pain. Just remember these communication issues are normal and can be overcome with time and understanding.

Intimacy and Connection

Physical and emotional intimacy can be impacted by shared grief. Some couples find comfort in physical closeness, using touch to connect when words fail. Others may lose sexual desire or emotional availability.

Remember, these changes are normal and temporary. During the grieving process, a couple may find their usual date nights or intimate moments feel awkward or forced. Instead, they may need to redefine intimacy, maybe by holding hands or sitting close together.

Role Changes

Grief can upset the roles in the relationship. If one partner is the “strong one” or the “caregiver” they may find it hard to maintain that role while dealing with their own grief. This can lead to feelings of guilt, inadequacy or resentment.

For example, in a relationship where one partner has always been the emotional rock, they may struggle to allow themselves to be vulnerable and ask for support from their grieving partner. This can be uncomfortable but also an opportunity for growth and balance in the relationship.

More Conflicts

Pre-existing relationship issues can get worse during times of shared grief. The added stress and emotions can bring out communication problems or highlight differences in coping styles.

A couple that has always had different ways of handling finances, for example, might find those differences become a major issue when dealing with funeral expenses or inheritance. We need to realize these conflicts are often grief, not relationship problems.

How do we grieve together?

While shared grief presents unique challenges, there are strategies that can help couples weather the storm together:

Can We Grieve Differently?

Remember you’re grieving the same loss but your experiences will be different. Respect each other’s process and don’t compare or judge. For example, if one of you is moving through grief faster, it doesn’t mean you loved the person less. Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace.

How Do We Talk?

Create a safe space to have honest conversations about how you’re feeling, needing and worrying. Practice active listening and validate each other’s emotions even if you don’t fully get it or agree. This might mean setting aside specific times to check in with each other about how you’re coping with the loss.

Use “I” statements instead of blame, e.g., “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need some quiet time” not “You’re always talking about the loss and it’s too much.”

When to See a Therapist?

Couples therapy or grief therapy. A mental health professional can give you tools and strategies specific to your situation. Many therapists in the US specialize in couples grief therapy.

Look for a therapist who has experience with couples therapy and grief support. They can help you navigate the relationship dynamics and grief together and give you strategies to strengthen your bond while honoring your individual grief.

Us and Each Other

Take care of your body and mind and encourage your partner to do the same. This might mean exercise, meditation or hobbies that bring comfort or joy.

Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for your well-being and to support your partner. This could mean taking turns giving each other space for solo activities or finding ways to care for yourselves together, like a peaceful walk in nature.

Finding New Ways to Remember

After someone has passed, you may be at a loss for how to remember them. Why not create new traditions together? It doesn’t have to be big. Maybe light a candle every night or do something special on their birthday. We knew a couple who lost a friend who loved animals. They started volunteering at a local shelter together. It was their way of keeping their friend’s spirit alive while spending time together. Whatever you choose, make it meaningful for both of you.

Being Patient with Intimacy

Grief can mess with how close you feel to each other. Don’t worry if things feel different in the bedroom or even just holding hands. It’s normal. The key is to talk about it. Tell each other what feels okay and what doesn’t. Maybe you’re not ready for sex but a long hug feels good. Or maybe you’d rather just sit together and talk about your day. There’s no right or wrong way. Just be patient with yourself and each other. You’ll find your way back to each other, even if it looks a little different now.

Who Else Can Help You?

We should lean on each other but also maintain friendships, family, or support groups. This will give us extra emotional support and prevent us from over-relying on our partner.

Consider joining a support group for couples going through shared grief. Hearing from others in the same boat can be a huge help and remind us we’re not alone in this.

Plan for the Future

While respecting the grieving process, start looking to the future together. Set small, achievable goals as a couple to give hope and resilience. This might be a short trip, a new hobby together or discussing long-term plans for our relationship.

It’s not about forgetting or diminishing what’s been lost. It’s about how we carry those memories with us as we move forward.

When to Get Expert Help?

While it’s normal for relationships to have challenges during times of shared grief, there are certain signs that may indicate you need professional help:

• Communication breakdowns persist.
• Emotional disconnection that goes on for weeks.
• Unhealthy coping mechanisms (e.g., substance use).
• Thoughts of self-harm or suicide.
• Can’t function in daily life.
• Changes in sleeping or eating habits.
• Unresolved anger or blame towards each other about the loss.

If you’re experiencing any of these, reach out to a mental health professional. Many therapists in the US offer telehealth, so you can get help from home.

Can Grief Make Us Stronger?

Shared grief can test a relationship but it also offers an opportunity for growth and connection. By facing loss together couples can gain a deeper understanding of each other, more empathy and a stronger commitment to their life together.

Many couples say that navigating shared grief together has ultimately strengthened their relationship. They say they have a new appreciation for their partner’s strengths and weaknesses, more trust, and a renewed commitment to enjoying each other.

This resilience can show up in many ways:

1. You get closer through shared grief. You feel more connected through the pain and memories of loss.
2. Communication improves as you learn to be more open and honest with each other as you go through grief together.
3. After going through loss together, you find a new shared purpose, reassess your priorities and find new meaning in life.
4. You grow more empathy and compassion for each other as you see and understand each other’s grief.
5. Going through a big loss together can glue you together and solidify your commitment to each other.
6. You’ll have to figure out how to deal with your different grieving styles.

Conclusion

Sharing grief is one of the hardest things a couple will ever go through. The journey of loss is not linear and requires patience, understanding and sometimes professional help. However, with the right approach and tools, couples can not only survive this tough time but also become stronger and more connected.

Remember, there’s no “right” way to grieve and every couple’s journey through loss will be different. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you navigate this tough terrain. Don’t hesitate to get help when you need it, whether from friends, family, support groups or mental health professionals.

Authored By

Shebna N Osanmoh I, PMHNP-BC

November 4, 2024

Shebna N Osanmoh is a board-certified Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner with extensive experience across the mental health spectrum. Holding a Master’s in Psychiatric/Mental Health Nursing from Walden University, Shebna provides compassionate, culturally sensitive care for a wide range of mental health conditions, emphasizing holistic and individualized treatment approaches to support patients in their wellness journey.